cuppycake5

Im trying to make this journal look neater but its so not working. Fuck it, i'll get a new LJ, as i always do :P

ugghhhh, forget what ii said about kate in the last entry, i'm angry at her. shes been telling everybody 'oh im starving myself' blah blah blah and just generally taking the piss out of my situation! She's been on a diet for 2 weeks and all of a sudden she thinks shes anorexic. & everybody is giving her the attention shes demanding so she's going along with it all and making up more and more lies! heres some of oour text conversations
Kate:hey babe sorry i didnt text back earlier, how are you? i'm having problems with Lee so its not helping my eating atall
What i was thinking: 'problems with my eating?!' why has she all of a sudden got a problem?! Shes taking the piss!
What i sent back: Okay babe i know things are hard atm but seriously this will make it so much worse, i dont think you understand just how devestating this kind of thing is, not just to you but tjo everybody else around you. its the supidest thing i ever did and you know ive done a lot of stupid things in the past.
Kate: yeah but i've got so much stress with school and family etc its the only thing thats helping me
What i was thinking: Hmm, i've heard that somewhere before....my own mouth perhaps?! Shes trying to get a fucking eaing disorder!
What i wrote back: Yeah and doing that gives you one more thing to worry about.
Kate: yeah but its so hard to stop now ive started it makes me feel better and more confident.
What i was thinking: 'So hard to stop!?' Youve been on a DIET for 2 weeks! Thats a lload of bull and you obviously dont understand that eating disorders are PSYCHOLOGICAL ILLNESSES! Sufferers have a genetic predisposition that increases their chance of developing an eating disorder, if she really had an ED she wouldnt be bragging aboout it and she wouldnt have waited until she was 16 to start taking action
What i sent back: But thats the thing you can stop now because its not a problem for you yet and you dont have any of the medical criteria for anorexia. Im saying this as a friend and someone who has known you for a long time that you cant just start an eating disorder like you start a car.
Kate: i know you cant just start one it is hard but i have had problems since i was little and im not doing it for attention either i would rather nobody knew about it
What i was thinking: WHY ARE YOU BRAGGING ABOUT IT THEN?! and like i said before if you'd had problems before why did it take you until you were 16 to suddenly develop an ED overnight?!
What i sent back: i know babe but you just seem so determined and im scared for you because ive thrwn away so many years to this and not even lost that much weight and i know yourworth so much more than that and i dont want the same for you.
She didnt text back, but im just going to leave it at that. Shes going into this for the thrill and although she dosent have an eating disorder now she'll end up with one if she dosent listen to people! She used to trigger me a lot by always saying how thin my legs were thin and everything and i thought that was bad enough but now this, i feel like she's very ignorant about the subject and there are many thngs ive told her abot my experiences and then suddenly she has the same thoughts...coincidence much? if she wasnt one of my closest friends i would be ripping into her but i cant even do that.

today was bad. its my first day on prozac and it hasnt gone too well. but it did supress my appetite, although i managed to ush past those feelings and just binge anyway =[
Went to the doctors and ive lost 3lbs this week. i thought i'd gained so at least i didnt, but im still nowhere near the weight i used to be...okay; another 3lbs away but it feels like such a far away goal.
and i've decided that i dont car anymore. Im getting to 100lbs even if its the last thing i do. i dont enjoy life at the moment so if it takes dying to get there then so be it. and if i havent lost at least 5lbs by the next weigh in i think i'm going to end up hurting myself badly because i just cant take being a failure anymore. im going to fail all of my exams for this so i may as well make it worthwhile.
told miss barclay about the prozac today, she actually sounded quite angry with the doctors because she dosent think im actuallly depressed, it's the eating disorder thats making me depressed [i agree] and she thinks its sad that theyre giving me false hope with those tablets because you can become dependant on them. i can see where shes coming from but i also want to give the pills a chance because if theyll make me lose weight i'll gladly take them...yes i know, i'm desparate.
i also told her about the phoenix center, she said that yes that is where her friend went, and she said she really idnt want to see me go through that too.
i'm finding it harder and harder to be around Kate and i feel awful about it. for almost as long as i can remember she always thought she was fat, and often commented about how she thought i was so much skinnier than her etc, and it kind of annoyed me when she found out about my ED because it encouraged me to carry on starving, but the thing is, she has an amazing body. She's very athetic and toned, but stilll has boobs and hips...she's womanly and thin at the same time...like seriously, a jessica alba-style figure. But recently she's been telling me how she lives on a packet of crisps and a bowl of cereal everyday, and im worried, because she said she sometimes feels like throwing up after meals. Today she broke down because somebody called her fat, even though she'd actually lost weight and i don't know, i just feel like she's at the point i was at when i started to develop my eating disorder and i just dont want her to go down the same route because she's beautiful and it'd kill me to see her throw it all away like i did. and because she knows about my ed, i'm the one she's been coming to for advice...i feel flattered that she's come and talked to me about it rather than let it bottle up like i did but i feel like any advice i give her is hypocritical because i can't try and convince her to love her body if i have so much hatred for my own? I don't know i just feel like i want to help her but i also want to protect myself because i know that the more i hear about this kind of thing the more likely i am to get competetive or compare myself and feel the need to drop even more weight.
it just makes me want to cry thinking that my best friend could be going down the route i have...i mean, once youre here youre stuck and you never realise just how painful it is.

uggh im so pissed off! yesterday i was starting to feel a bit more positive about everything, but this morning my mum woke me up at 6:45 and told me we were going to have breakfast together...i didnt want it atall, but i was willing to try, and calculated that if i had 10g cereal and 50ml skimmed milk it would come to just under 55 calories which i'd burn off at yoga.
Then we just had breakfast and we're meant to talk while doing so, it heps in recovery, but what was she doing? Talking to my sister the whole time on the phone...about how she didnt think i should go to yoga tonight because i hadnt done a lot of revision so i stormed out. God why can't she listen to the parent manual Duncan gave her? It has so many tips for parents in that i think would help me but my mum refuses to fucking change! It also says under any circumstances, don't talk about food around or at meal times because it makes the sufferer anxious...so every time i go to eat something [i was binging last night] she's like 'ooh what are you eating?' 'thats not enough' 'thats really unhealthy' 'aren't you going to finish that?' its like...JUST FUCK OFF; YOURE NOT HELPING!!

& im still feeling awful about PE, i can't believe i pushed my luck so much, but i'm just so obsessed! Miss Barclay did so much for me and i was just basicly taking it all and throwing it back in her face. WHY am i so difficult?! I hate the person i've become and i don't even know what part of this is me an what is the eating disorder.

horrible day today. i finally broke the fast at 3.30pm today and i feel so shit for it. as i expected, it turned into a binge because i was feeling crappy about the PE lesson. it started off okay, but then i started to feel quite faint and went to sit down. then i felt alright so went to play again, and then the tachers stopped the lesson at 2:30 so we could sunbathe [WTF?!] i wasnt ready to stop and just wanted to do more excersize, so me, kate and emma ran a lap around the field, and then Miss Barclay started having a go at me saying that i hadnt eaten or drank that day and i really shouldnt be running around, especially as i'd felt faint earlier and i was like 'yeah but i didnt do enough excersize, i need to do more' and she was like...'well you need to stop, unless you actually enjoy collapsing' and ugh it just pissed me off. i wanted to tell her everything about my shitty day but i couldnt because our other PE teacher was with her. then i really pushed the point and when i went back to sitting with Kate i started doing press ups, but i saw miss glare at me and stopped.
but my day has been so shit, and i need to do something to make me weigh less so i feel better! i saw duncan and the doctor today, the doctor was a bastard, asking me lots of quick-fire questions so i just had to tell the truth. i've been put on prozac and i'm getting a meal plan written up for me. if that dosent work then ill be admitted to the phoenix center in cambrige, an adolescant eating disorder clinic. if im completly honest, i've looked at their website and everything, and i really want to be there because i think their approach could work for me...

BIHFYSBHOkKNHIGIJGGGRRRRR

i really want food. i havent eaten since friday and its sunday now. and i havent drank anything either, so yeah, im losing my mind.
but i cant bring myself to eat. mum and dad are away again and i just cant eat because im scared that if nobdys with me it'll turn into a binge. and theyre coming back tonight quite late, so they wont be here to help me eat dinner. so the next oppourtunity i have to eat is monday...and i dont even know how im going to feel about that because i have to see duncan and a different doctor he referred me to. i really hope its not bad news. and i have to get through a PE lesson before i can eat too...i hate this disease so much, but i hate being so fat even more. when i was in town yesterday i saw so many tiny women and girls and i know that i was a lot bigger than them...so why am i the one being treated for an eating disorder? im starting to think maybe i dont even have an eating disorder...i dont know if thats denial or i really don't but its confusing.
i hate everything today.

horrible day today, I woke up, suddenly realised that it was back to reality and another day full of calories, binging, purging, starving or excersize, or all of the above was ahead of me and from then i just havent been in the mood to live through it. I don't want to die but i just have no motivation to keep living if this is what my life has come to.

hmm...ive just binged and purged again...WHY AM I DOING THIS?! its getting me nowhere, infact the only thing its doing for me is taking my life away. I cant get through school. admittedly the sun is brightening my mood and i do feel a little happier, but the majority of the time i still feel severly depressed. The other day i burst into tears when doing my eyebrows because i will just never be pretty. i'm never going to be the girl i want to be so why am i killing myself trying to get there? I dont know i think everything is starting to fall into perspective. i dont want to be consumed by this, but at the same time i cant bear life right now. i just want to hide away.
its so fricking hot here. which is why i feel so stupid for cutting, because i cant take my school jumper off. I did actually brave it a few times today just to test peoples reactions, see if they would notice. most of them didnt, and the ones that did quickly looked away. whats done is done and i think im gong to try and just relax and if i need to take my jumper off i will. kinda shitting it for basketball though becase miss barclay knows i had thought about harming myself recently and excuses arent going to wash with her. i dont want her to tell my mum, she has enough to worry about, my older brother broke one of his legs and sprained his ankle on the other leg last night so she's been running round kettering trying to find a wheelchair!
ugh i hate what my lifes come to. most of it is all within my control and i let things get out of hand. things could be so different this summer if the stress of the ED wasnt looming over me. Like when i smile i kinda have to stop and think 'why the fuck are you smiling when everything is so shit and youre ruining mum and dads life?!'
the other day at the dinner table i was refusing to eat and my younger brother who is usually quiet when ED convo comes up shouted 'JUST EAT!' right into my face...it kinda stunned me and made me realise that hes suffering because of it too. & today at school i was about to go into my science lesson and Matty was like 'why are you so small? get big again!' which pissed me off so i skipped the lesson. then in english he was like 'Vicki where were you, gagging yourself to death' hmm, if he only knew.
I just dont want to lie anymore. i want to be able to be truthful to myself and those around me, and i want to be allowd to feel happy and not feel guilty for it.

i feel disqusting. i hate myself i hate my life and i want everything to stop. i hate myself for manipulating everybody around me, i hate that im throwing my life down the drain for the sake of some fucking hobnobs. i hate that i just cut myself. i hate that i find my friends an annoyance just because they wont let me go and purge. i hate how my family is a wreck because of me. i hate that this is ruining my life. i hate that doctors take so long to see you and so long to notice when im slipping. i hate everything and i want life to stop.

Went to the nurse today to be weighed. I've lost 4lbs this week so she asked me to book an appointment to see the doctor becaus she said the weighloss was too fast. Pisses me off because it isnt a fast weight loss, i just stopped binging and purging because i'm back at school and i'm not stuck in the house so much. I'm feeling really motivated at the moment though so i'll see what the doctor has to say when i go [my appointment is tommorow because she's away for a week after that] but it's not going to stop me. I have too much other stress going on that i actually need the disorder right now. Without it i think i'd just be freaking out and i'd make myself ill anyway.
Mum asked me in the car if i was still purging, and i just said that yeah i was. i really can't be bothered to lie anymore[well, i still have to lie because she dosent understand and it's hard to be open about this when she dosent have any understanding of the illness, but i want to lie about as little as possible and i know that me admitting this kind of stuff is less likely to cause arguments rather than if she actually finds me doing, which i know will happen at some point if i keep trying to keep it a secret]. She said that it made her angry because i was wasting food and 'why do i refuse to just eat healthily?' I don't think she realises what's going on in my mind when i binge and purge. I'm not hungry, its more that i have negative feelings and try to comfort myself with food, but it just makes me feel worse and i have to get rid of it. Sometimes i'll binge just to purge because it hurts, and it's kind of my own little way of self harming. Sometimes i binge because i want to be stopped but nobody stops me. And yet when i starve i actually don't want to be stopped, yet that's all that people do, try and stop me. They do what they think is right but it dosent make me happy. Maybe if i was just left to do my own thing then i would eventually scare myself to the point of wanting to get better wholeheartedly rather than be pushed to recovery.
Miss Barclay asked me how i was getting on on tuesday, i told her i'd gained weight because of binge/purge, and i'd started to reject food [i didnt know it then but i was actually losing weight at that point] so she's a bit more worried, she says ashe thinks its starting to get worse. I kinda agree lol. This kind of self-motivation i feel right now usually means that i'm either going to gain or lose a lot of weight soon. I told her about seeing Duncan and my sister and everything, when i said i thought i wasnt good enough she was really sympathetic, and just kept trying to reassure me over and over. She's one of the few people i think actually care right now...